RELATIONSHIP BETWEEN SEXCHATTING, PORN AND MASTURBATION. (HOW TO STOP ANY FORM OF ADDICTION).

‘Honey, it is 11.  Let us go to bed now,’ Monica said to Nick. ‘Not yet, just sleep if you are sleepy. I will join you later because I am finalizing some reports here,’ Nick replied. Monica went to bed, feeling empty, low and with broken spirit. 
In bed, Monica could not sleep. Her mind was full of questions and less of answers. Monica spent tens of minutes changing sleeping positions with no sign of sleep any time then.
Nick had been away from home for six weeks. Nick was a journalist. A television news reporter. He had been transferred from Mombasa to Kisumu six weeks earlier. The family was still finding out how to move from Mombasa to Kisumu so that they could continue staying together as they used to. Monica was a health professional, so it was posing a big challenge for her to get a transfer letter from Coast General Hospital to another hospital in Kisumu.
‘Six weeks without seeing each other and he doesn’t even want to come to bed?’ Monica wondered. 
Nick and Monica had been married for five three years then. They had a two year old boy.
While Nick was in Kisumu, they used to sex chat for the better part of the evening. They would talk about how they missed doing some things together. How they would be doing some things together. They would even go a step ahead and fantasize how they were making love by texting each other. They would start sending each other nude photos of themselves. This began as a joke but they did not know the seeds of sadness that they were planting in their relationship. 
The nude photos created dirty pictures in the mind of Nick. Nick could not only look at the nudes of her wife but she went ahead to start looking at nude pictures of other women in the internet. The feeling was getting stronger. Nick was a honest man. He had never slept with another woman except her wife. But then, the feeling to make love was so strong. Looking at nude pictures graduated to downloading pornographic videos. Whenever they were sex chatting, Nick would go ahead to watch the dirty videos. By the end of the chatting Nick would find himself masturbating. 
At first, Nick thought that it was just a normal thing. It became serious when Nick did not need videos to masturbate, he just needed to think about a certain woman and then do it.
That is where my talk begins. Probably you are like Nick, probably you are the Monica, probably you are Monica who also does what Nick did, probably you do not know what masturbation is, probably you are a choir leader in church but you masturbate behind the scenes, probably you have been doing this for years, probably you began masturbating yesterday, probably your relationship is in the sewer or your marriage is in shambles and you are wondering why, probably you got married one year ago but it has been one week since your husband or wife gave you your conjugal right and you wonder why they are not interested in it nowadays, maybe you feel empty, sick and tired of masturbation. This article is for you.

Pornography is not real sex. The actors do not touch, kiss or even hug. All that the cameras focus on is penetration. Nobody grew up with the goal of being a porn addict. Nobody does masturbation happily. Most of the time that exact moment after you have finished doing it you always promise yourself that you will never do it again, right? Then what happens five minutes later? 
Pornography is everywhere. Over 70% of internet traffic is porn. Pornography is in whatsapp statuses, some music videos, whatsapp groups, facebook, tweeter, Instagram, I mean, someone right now is even downloading a porn video using church WiFi. Bethsheba is online I say.
Pornography is a multitrillion dollar industry which works based on the law of economics, demand and supply. If there is no demand then there can be no supply. The actors are doing it because they know you will watch. If you do not watch then they will not act. 
Many people who sex chat also watch porn. Many people who watch porn are also addicted to masturbation. One thing leads to another.
Pornography industry is driven by men, funded by men, managed by men and made for the men. Women are just used in the process. Devil is crafty. He knows that to reach to the man he must use the woman. It did not start and stop in the Garden of Eden. Why is it that the cameras do not focus on the man? Why is it that the focus is on the woman’s sexual organ and not the man’s? Think about that. Men at risk.
Watching pornography is supporting prostitution, sex trade, drug trafficking, slave trade, spread of diseases, school dropouts, teenage pregnancies, divorce, depression and suicide.
Stopping pornography is harder than stopping drinking alcohol or smoking cigarette. Let me ask you, how many do you know who drink alcohol? Many, right? How many people do you know who masturbate? None, right? But why? Don’t you think they are not there? Maybe your best friend does it, maybe your sister does it, am sorry to say this but even maybe your teacher does it. I do not blame you. Many people ask me how they can stop pornography and masturbation. From a 13 year old high school student to a 45 year old respectable married professional. 
Pornography is like cancer. If you began watching yesterday it is much easier to stop than one who has watched for 15 years. If you can not stop watching it right now, then stage 4 is coming. It will be irreparable.
Just like Nick, pornography and masturbation affects your marriage life. Instead of going to make love with your wife in bed, you choose to go and masturbate in the bathroom before going to bed. At this time you can not do anything with your partner. This situation seriously affects the nature of your love life. You will start preferring the naked people on screens to the person that you have. 
I am not writing this article to break marriages, I am writing it to mend marriages. Marriage is an institution, and every institution has secrets. You don’t know everything about your spouse, accept that. ‘Some things are better left unknown,’ says someone who is in the verge of divorce. Know it, talk it out, this could be the cancer ailing your marriage. 
Their is no phycologist, psychiatrist or psychotherapist who can help you stop this addiction. It is a mental and spiritual issue. While am not downgrading the importance of praying and fasting, if your mind is still in porn then you can not stop it. Your actions always dictate what your mind thinks. The Holy book says ‘Do not conform to the patterns of the world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind.’ Renewal of your mind will lead to the transformation of your life. This is not a Christian strategy! This is how it works. 
Renewal of the mind. Avoid the triggers. For you to find yourself watching porn, there is something that always triggers you. What is it? Find it. There is nobody that watches porn my mistake, there is nobody who masturbates by accident. People have different triggers. Could it be that girl who always posts her cleavage in her whatsapp status? Could it be that guy who posts gengetone videos on whatsapp status? Could it be this TV presenter whom whenever you watch news you feel like jerking off? (It happens by the way) Could it be loneliness? Maybe you stay alone. Could it be idleness? Could it be the dressing code of a certain neighbour? Know your trigger. The trigger leads to the desire. Desire leads to decision. Decision leads to the action. Cut the trigger. Stop the cycle.
You can stop it. I know how you feel about yourself, the emptiness, the lack of self worth. Looking at women as a weapon of sex or looking at men as sexual organs. Nobody starts masturbating by mistake. Nobody stops it by lack. You must have the deep desire to stop. Make a conscious deliberate decision to stop. 
It takes 21 days to change a habit, it takes 90 days to design a lifestyle. Design your new lifestyle. You can do it!
I understand that this is a highly political and sensitive topic. I wrote this article for that person who is uncomfortable with their addictions and believe that they can stop it, be it alcoholism, weed, cigarette, gambling or porn.

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